wobuchi

Nuts

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 14:55:28 GMT

Why is it that my therapist only ever calls WHILE I'm puking? Twice yesterday she called me, two different times of day, and I was puking both times. Yesterday was a major purge-fest, but it's happened other times too. "Yeah, hold on, lemme wipe the puke off my chin. You need to reschedule our session? All right, shiny."

No, self, do not answer your phone like that when you see her number on caller ID. That will get your ass shoved into residential treatment, not keep you out.

Stupid Doctor

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 15:23:18 GMT

Well, my doctor's visit yesterday was a complete and total waste of two hours and a $20 co-pay.

The last time R. ordered me to go to the doctor, my regular GP was out of town, so I saw another guy in his practice who seemed at least semi-knowledgeable about eating disorders, in that he asked about specific behaviors. My regular GP made it clear he has no clue about them. I told him I was in treatment for an eating disorder, and he asked which one. I told him restrictive bulimia, and then I had to explain that to him. Fair enough, since it's not your classic presentation of either anorexia or bulimia. But he didn't ask ANY questions about my ED symptoms, not even when the last time I'd eaten was--which is odd, considering that I told him I was having severe lightheadedness whenever I stand up. He said several times that he doesn't "really know anything about eating disorders," and he asked ME what tests he should run. Um, last time I checked, Doc, you're the one who went to med school, not me.

My sodium, potassium, and glucose were low, and my ketones were up. This is typical of someone with an eating disorder. Low electrolytes tend to be a characteristic of bulimia (you lose them when you purge), and elevated ketones are a sign of inadequate caloric intake as the body breaks down its own tissues. This is not new information to me; I'm reasonably well-informed about the medical consequences of eating disorders, thanks to R. having gone to nursing school and liking to lecture me at great length about this stuff.

"So what was your doctor's brilliant medical advice?" I hear you all asking. I'll tell you.

Are you ready for this?

Here it comes.

"You should probably try and eat more."

Yeah. That's it. Try and eat more. Brilliant and inspired advice from Alabama's medical elect, folks. Tell the bulimic to eat more. Okay, sure, I got no problems with that, so long as I can barf it all up. Yum yum.

I think I need a new doctor.

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 14:48:07 GMT

I'm down to 97.5 lbs, and I have no bloody idea how. My only explanation is that whoever said you retain 50% of the calories of anything you purge was wrong. See, yesterday I was 98.5, and it was a major binge day.

Nothing for breakfast. The brilliant plan was not to eat anything all day, but I forgot that the church was having its big 50th anniversary party, and a party at a Methodist church always means lots of food. Doesn't help that they just hired a new chef who's faaaaaabulous. I ended up eating:

3 chicken salad croissants
3 cheese biscuits with ham
2 danishes
3 cream cheese and fruit tartlet things
5 strawberries
3 chicken fingers with honey mustard
2 mini-muffins
6 chocolate truffles

*purge*

Then I came home and ate a box of macaroni and cheese and purged that, too.

Then I went to the Alabama Shakespeare Festival with my grandparents to see Winnie-the-Pooh. It was totally awesome, and I don't care if it's supposed to be for kids. I ate a bag of wheat pretzels there and purged that in the bathroom.

Then we went to Cracker Barrel afterward. Cracker Barrel serves breakfast all day long, which is my weakness. I got this HUGE breakfast platter, ate it all, and puked (of course).

2 scrambled eggs
hashbrowns with cheese
grits
3 biscuits with jelly
2 corn muffins
1 slice bacon
1 piece of ham
1 turkey sausage patty
2 biscuits with gravy
roasted apples

The waiter wasn't good about refilling my water glass, so it was hard to puke that up at the restaurant. Had to wait till I got home to drink more water and purge, so I was convinced that all that grease was just going to absorb and I was going to wake up today weighing at least 100 lbs...but I didn't.

The downside is, I have to get on the scale today at my appointment with my dietitian, and after that I have to go see my doctor--all by order of my therapist. Apparently they're all "extremely concerned" about me because, well, the only thing I've been living on recently is whatever bits of food don't come up when I purge. Friday, R. said she would be "beyond thrilled" if I would do one protein smoothie a day, but I haven't. Well, I tried Friday, but part of the damn thing came up on its own, so then I just thought, "Well, what the fuck is the point of even trying to keep it down?" So then there was a big b/p session because I decided it didn't matter, since I now apparently purge without even trying to.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I want to be better, but I don't want to go through the process of getting better.

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 00:01:20 GMT

Well, I'm not getting sent to residential quite yet. My therapists want to try creating their own intensive outpatient program for me, since they don't like the ones available here. It would mean working with R. (ED therapist) 5 or 6 days a week and M. (primary therapist) and S. (dietitian) once a week each, and R. was also mentioning bring in an art therapist too.

But first they're demanding that I get medical clearance. Apparently they're not happy with my weight being down in the double digits--Friday I got told I'm playing with fire. Like I don't know that. I went to my GP about 5 weeks ago, and since then I've been to the cardiologist twice. I tried to use that excuse to get out of seeing the doctor, but R. said no, my weight's dropped too much since then. So I'm going to have to take off work on Monday because my doctor only works afternoons, same as me. I also have to find the money to pay for the co-pay, which I really don't have right now. I tried to figure out some way to get out of it, but R. not only wants copies of the paperwork and whatnot, she also wants me to have the doctor call her. She didn't leave me any wiggle room.

Monday I also have another appointment with S., and R. said I have to get on the scale. Ugh, I don't know how I'm going to manage that--I've been putting it off for a month or so, but R. says she can't work with me unless my weight is being monitored. So I'm anticipating that Monday's going to be a major meltdown day.

Today I haven't eaten anything, after b/p'ing majorly yesterday. I'm talking like half a box of cereal, several sandwiches, a box of macaroni and cheese, and half a package of cheese hot dogs, plus some other random stuff I can't remember. I really want to go b/p because I'm so anxious, but I'll be damned if I'm going to gain any weight. If I have to get on the scale, I'm going to make damn sure I weigh as little as possible.

I'm not planning on eating tomorrow, which should actually be pretty easy. My church is having this 50th anniversary party right after the service tomorrow, so I'll make an appearance but stay away from the refreshments table. I can't stay long because I'm going to a play in Montgomery at the Alabama Shakespeare Festival with my grandparents, and that's an hour and a half drive. We're going to see Winnie-the-Pooh, and I'm excited. I'm such a child. :-) Anyway, I'll just tell my grandparents I ate a ton at church, so I can get out of eating with them. Dinner is going to be harder to get out of, but if I totally can't get out of it, I guess I can just purge. But that's only a last resort because I don't want the extra weight from water retention.

I just want to run away from all of this. I'd go somewhere tropical with good scuba diving, but not Aruba. I might end up as shark bait like Natalee Holloway.

Nothing Left

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 16:46:35 GMT

I am so completely drained and exhausted. I can barely hold my head up, can barely type. I have to get through the day. I have to go to work. Have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how hard it is.

The answer is so easy: Just eat something, just a little bit to keep yourself going. I wish I could do that. I wish I could eat just a little something, but I can't. If I eat one thing, it'll turn into a binge. Then I'll have to purge to get it out. Then I'll have to take laxatives. Then I'll have to starve for a day or two to compensate. Better not to eat anything in the first place.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be bad. Tomorrow I'm probably going to be told I'm getting sent to residential treatment. They're not happy about my being under 100 lbs. Honestly, neither am I, anymore. It used to make me happy when the numbers would go down, but now it's just not enough. I have this irresistible compulsion to make the numbers keep going lower and lower, but it doesn't make me happy anymore. It controls me, shoves me down on the ground, and kicks the crap out of me.

I want it gone, but if I let go of this, I'll have nothing else to hold onto, and I'll go spinning out into the ether and never come back.

Frack Me

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 14:50:51 GMT

Everyone on my treatment team is talking residential treatment now. S. mentioned it when I saw her Monday, and M. brought it up when I saw her yesterday. Friday is my standing appointment with R., but M. said she was going to be there "just in case R. wanted to do a joint session." (R. and M. work out of the same building.) That statement is BS, I know, because M. doesn't usually work Fridays, so it's not like she was going to be in the office anyway.

I was right in my suspicion that M. rescheduled because she found out I've not been eating. After I saw S. on Monday and basically told her (albeit more nicely than this) that she could take her meal plan and shove it, S. called R. R. has been sick with the flu, so she called M., and M. called me.

I'm sure Friday's going to be shiny happy fun. (Note to self: must not throw things at therapists. This is apparently Rude and considered to be In Bad Form.) I'm pretty certain they're going to tell me they've discussed it and decided I'm going to residential treatment. I don't know where--a couple months ago, I know M. was looking up some places "just in case," and she mentioned one in California somewhere. Of course, R. is the expert on eating disorder treatment programs, so she'll probably have some ideas.

I'd still like to know how they think I'm going to finance this. Those places cost upwards of $1000 PER DAY for treatment, and I make $500-$600 PER MONTH. Thanks to my ED, my math skills have improved substantially, so I'm figuring it would take me two months of work to pay for one day of treatment. Most places want a substantial deposit first and at least a 30-day commitment. Yeah, I'm foreseeing some mathematical issues here. Next some moron's going to divide by cucumber.

Also, it's snowing. WTF, Alabama? Yesterday it was 71, no joke.

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 02:40:40 GMT

I am in so much trouble right now, it's not even slightly amusing.

I haven't kept food down in two weeks or so. I've dropped 10 lbs, meaning I'm now at a lower weight than I've ever been at before.

And this is while I'm supposedly in treatment. Yeah, I'm doing great with this whole recovery thing.

I saw S., my dietitian, today. I flat-out told her I wasn't planning on eating anything and keeping it down. Binges and purges happen, but I puke and take lots of laxatives to compensate, so I actually lose weight instead of gaining. Probably helps that I don't have massive binges like a lot of bulimics do. Anyway, S. was worried, and I signed a release for her to talk to R., my eating disorders therapist. She even mentioned getting R. on the phone right then, but I told her no, I was fine. (We won't mention the fact that I haven't eaten in 3 days and have cuts all over my arms and legs....) S. mentioned hospitalization. Great--I've seen her 4 times, and she's already talking inpatient. This does not bode well.

I probably would've gotten a phone call from R. today, were it not that she has the flu. She actually had to cancel our appointment for Friday, which was actually good for me because I keep worrying she's going to stick me in the psych unit. She threatened that the second or third time I saw her. (Are we noticing somewhat of a theme going on here?) I was 112 when she threatened that, and I'm right at 100 now. We have a standing appointment on Friday mornings, but if I'm really lucky, she won't make this appointment either. That way I can keep losing weight without the imminent threat of hospitalization.

I know, I'm a horrible person for wanting my therapist to stay sick so I can continue to kill myself without intervention. I'm going to hell, I'm sure.

M., my primary therapist, did call me today while I was at work and left a message for me to call her. I was terrified that S. had called R. and R. had called M. and I was in deep doggie doo-doo, but it turns out M. just needed to reschedule from Thursday to tomorrow. Mmkay. She won't be happy with me for not eating, but she doesn't threaten me with the hospital, and she doesn't spend the entire hour harping on food and eating like S. and R. tend to do. So that should be okay, I guess.

Anywho, I took some crappy cell-phone pictures this morning because it's picture day at purgatorium, and it struck me that you actually can see the weight loss in my face. I didn't think you could because my face is naturally kind of chubby, so it surprised me.

My icon is from September, and I was at about 135-138 lbs then. Also,

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:44:08 GMT

Cardiologist appointment tomorrow at the ass-crack of dawn. Wish me luck. I'm nervous.

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 16:43:59 GMT

My therapists demanded yesterday that I go see a doctor. I know they're concerned for my health and all that jazz, but I hate doctors. The last time I went to one was when I ruptured an eardrum in a karate accident. He told me "This will be a little uncomfortable" and, without any explanation of what he was doing, dropped acid on my eardrum. I promptly passed out from the pain, and I'm not a wimp. You can't see it in my pictures, but I have scars in my right eyebrow and across the bridge of my nose from where I busted my face on a marble coffee table 3 years ago. I cussed a lot, but I didn't cry. Acid on your eardrum when you're not prepared for it, however, hurts like a bitch and made me pass out. Just one of many reasons I don't trust doctors.

So I'm busy freaking the hell out and wondering what on earth I'm going to say when I go in. I mean, you always have to tell the nurse what's wrong before you see the doctor, and I really don't feel like announcing that I have an eating disorder. And I have no idea what the frack the doctor's going to ask or what kinds of tests/exams he's going to want to do. Also, in my infinite wisdom, I cut up my legs earlier in the week. It's not deep, severe, infected, etc...but it's definitely not accidental, especially since I carved the word "FAT" into my leg. It's gonna be fun trying to explain *that* to the doctor.

I'm supposed to go in tomorrow, to the doc-in-a-box clinic. Ick. I don't feel skinny enough to walk in and tell the doctor I have an ED. I'm 5'3.5" and 102 lbs, right on the borderline BMI for anorexia. I don't think I look sick, and I don't feel sick. Okay, I'm dizzy a lot, short of breath, and my heart does funny things, but I'm still standing.

I'm afraid of being told there's nothing wrong, and I'm afraid of being told there's something wrong. I don't want to go.

Also, in unrelated but also sucky news, I think my phone is dead. This makes me a very unhappy person.

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 21:27:08 GMT

Work got canceled on account of tornadoes. Or, I'm assuming work got canceled, because when I went to pick the kid up from school (I'm a part-time tutor/nanny for a special needs kid), there was no one there, and his mom didn't answer her phone, and they weren't at the house.

What I should do: go see a doctor like my therapists are demanding. The doc-in-a-box is open till 8:00. The doctor I usually see isn't there, but I don't really care.

What I want to do: b/p like mad.

What I'm doing at the moment: sitting in front of the computer to distract myself and waiting to see if my ED therapist is going to call me back.

In other news, I'm starting intensive outpatient next week. Hooray, or something. I still don't think I'm skinny enough--my BMI is right around 17.5-17.8, and I want it lower. I don't want them to make me gain weight. I know I'm being stupid and childish and superficial, but I want to weigh less. I want to weigh 95.

Renee (the ED therapist) told me today that anorexia will kill you, and bulimia will kill you, and both of them together will kill you the quickest of all. Great. Here's me, anorexic and bulimic and not really thrilled about this recovery thing. I mean, I'd really like to be able to eat like a normal person and not freak out about food (and every other damn thing), but I'm absurdly terrified of gaining weight or even maintaining my weight instead of continuing to lose.

I feel crazy.

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 14:55:26 GMT

So I'm either getting put into residential or intensive outpatient treatment.

Ugh.

I fucking hate myself.

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 16:02:36 GMT

Fuck everything.

I'm at 102 as of this morning. That's my lowest weight yet, so why do I hate myself more and more? Why do I feel fatter and fatter when the scale tells me I'm losing weight?

I just want to like myself.

Everything I'd ever read said that you gain weight when you b/p. They lie, or my metabolism and physiology are really weird. I've been b/p'ing 3 or 4 times a day lately, and my weight's down 10 lbs since Christmas. Well, I don't think my "binges" are big enough to really be classical binges, but they're definitely meal-sized. Some of them probably have been binges--three peanut butter sandwiches and a frozen dinner and a toaster strudel and an English muffin with cream cheese probably counts as a binge, albeit a smallish one. And I can purge totally hands-free now, which feels a lot less destructive than shoving my fingers down my throat over and over. Much less messy, too.

Therapy in two hours, and I can't lie to her face. She's going to ask me about how I've been eating, and I'm probably going to end up in the hospital. It'll be the first individual session I've had since before Christmas. And it's over 70 outside, so it's going to be conspicuous if I try to go in there wearing a big sweater to hide the fact that I've lost more weight.

I really just didn't even want to get out of bed this morning.

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 16:38:51 GMT

I dunno how, but I lost a pound and a half since yesterday...and all I've been doing lately is binging and purging. Seriously, it was gross.

1 PBJ on an English Muffin
2 PBJ's on regular (stale) bread
potato chips
about 20 Hershey's White Chocolate Peppermint Kisses
pumpkin pie tart-thing with Cool Whip
2 sugar cookies
PUKE
a shit-ton of rice
half a shit-ton of black-eyed peas
half a shit-ton of broccoli
PUKE
about 15-25 Hershey's Hot Cocoa Cream Kisses (fuck all this Christmas candy!)
microwave sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit
1 PBJ on multigrain bread
half a box of Wheat Thins
5 oz (half a tub) of roasted red pepper hummus
PUKE

How I managed to *lose* weight eating all that crap, I don't know. I guess I'm just getting really fucking good at purging. Every time I purge, I throw up till nothing but water and stomach acid is coming up. Then I drink some more water, jump up and down, and throw up some more to make sure I got all the food out.

I still ought to be restricting instead of being such a pig, as my weight loss is much more consistent when I do that. Plus I've got scabs on the knuckles of both hands now. It's like "Oh, look, I'm bulimic, yay!" Plus I hate feeling so out of control. When I'm b/p'ing, I do feel out of control, but I feel in control when I'm restricting or fasting successfully.

And tonight is dinner at church, which is going to be hard. Ugh. I wish I could just not go, but my mother insists I give my little sister a ride because she's playing her flute for the service on Sunday and has to go practice with the organist. Yuck yuck yuck.

I Hate GMail

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 04:46:39 GMT

Why is it that GMail finds it necessary to put ads about food at the top of my inbox screen?

God, now I really want to binge. Again. DIAF, Google. And take your fucking chocolate-covered Oreo cookies with you.

New Year's Resolutions

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 00:06:23 GMT

Obligatory New Year's Eve Post.

I'm starting ABC tomorrow. I've been having issues with eating and purging, and my gross, scabbed-over knuckles want me to stop that crap. So I've devised a point system for myself. Not all of it is ED-related stuff, and I haven't figured out the rewards I'll give myself for earning points, but I'll get to that later I guess. Here's how it works, by categories.

Calories: I get 2 points for coming in under my daily calorie limit. For now that's going to be the different calorie days set by ABC. After I'm done with that, I'm not sure what my daily calorie count will be. 1 point for coming in at my calorie count for the day. 0 points for going over.

Safe Foods: No meat. Eggs, dairy, starches, and processed foods very limited. 2 points for eating no unsafe foods; 1 point for a small slip; 0 points for a big slip.

Water: 64 oz. on eating days; 110 oz on fast days. 2 points for having enough or or more than enough water. 1 point for having half the water to the full amount. 0 points for under half.

Exercise: 1 point for each 30 minutes of exercise.

Sleep: I need to do it more. 2 points for 7+ hours. 1 point for 5-7 hours. 0 points for under 5 hours.

Food/Exercise Log: 2 points for entering all my food and exercise every day. 1 point for most of it entered. 0 points for most not entered.

Writing/Art: I want to work more on pursuing my creativity. 2 points for 30+ minutes spent on my art and/or writing. 1 point for 15-29 minutes. 0 points for less than 15 minutes.

Journaling: 2 points for writing 3 or more pages per day; 1 point for 1-2 pages; 0 points for less than a page.

Chinese: I'm a geek who studies Chinese and should do so more. 1 point for every 15 minutes spent studying Chinese. This includes listening to podcasts or language learning CD's.

Rant

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 03:04:22 GMT

I have a friend on my other LJ (the one people who know me in "real life" read) who wrote a post the other day about how she wanted to "get anorexic again or maybe try bullemia [sic]" so she could lose weight. She was apparently anorexic for about a year in high school, or so she says--I have no way of knowing whether that's true or not. I wrote a comment to the effect of "Really, you don't want to do that, and here's why."

Skip to earlier tonight. I wrote a post mainly ranting about my mother's insanity, but there were a few lines in there about how I hadn't gone to the doctor about my respiratory infection thing because I was afraid he'd see my raw throat and my "bulimic knuckles" and put two and two together. It was a locked post, and all the people who could read it know about my ED, so I didn't think that would be an issue. The girl commented and asked what I meant by "bulimic knuckles," and I told her how it happens. She said "Oh is that how you purge? Sticking your fingers down your throat?"

Guh. I am *not* going to teach people how to purge; there are enough sites out there where she can find tips anyway. It just pisses me off because I'm writing about how much I hate this ED and how much I hate myself for giving in to it and how much I hate constantly having to hide it...and the only thing she has to say about that is basically "O plz teach me 2 purge, thx." I wrote her this long comment about all the negative effects of purging, how addictive it is, and how it doesn't actually help most people lose weight (which is what she says she wants). But, Jebus, I'm pretty fucking pissed.

Yay!

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 15:20:28 GMT

Off my plateau. Was stuck at 108, now at 106. I'm happy but sick. Of course, that'll make for a nice excuse for not eating today and tomorrow...and I'm really not hungry.

Doing Good

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 20:35:17 GMT

I'm doing well sticking with my fast. All I've had today is water, tea, and a small cup of orange juice. I don't even feel hungry.

Survey

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 21:00:57 GMT

I ganked this from thinanimous because I was bored.

Age: 21
Height: 5'3.5"
Weight: 108 lbs
Highest Weight: 138 lbs
Lowest Weight: 106 lbs
Goal Weight: 95 lbs
Favorite Food: fruit
Favorite Drink: water, hot tea, 100% unsweetened fruit juice
Favorite Exercise: karate, yoga
Thinspo: not really into it
Where Do You Slip Up? nights
When Did It Start? When I was 14, around 2000
Why Did It Start? Because I hate myself so much.
Does Anyone Know? My mother, my grandparents, one of my younger sisters, my 2 therapists, and my girlfriend.
Do You Want Help? Some days I do; some days I don't.
Do You Take Diet Pills? I take green tea capsules, but other than that, no.
Favorite Binge Food: Sugary--ice cream or cookies. Salty/Carby--potato chips.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? 500 or lower, when I'm not b/p'ing.
What Tips Do You Use To Loose Weight? Lots of juice fasting.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? Ugly.
Are You In A Relationship? yes
If So, Do They Pressure You To Be Thin? No, she wants me to be safe and healthy, but she understands my ED, too.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? thin one
Are You Depressed? yes
Do You Self Harm? yes
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? 3 times
Ever Been To A Psychologist? yes
Favorite Songs: too many to list

ABC Meal Plans

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 19:52:23 GMT

Like I said in my last post, I'm starting ABC on January 1, so last night while I wasn't sleeping (yay insomnia), I planned out the menus for the different calorie days on ABC. I thought someone might be interested.

Smoothie: 290 cals
--1 scoop soy protein powder: 110 cals
--I C orange juice: 110 cals
--1/2 C peaches: 25 cals
--1/2 C blackberries: 45 cals
Grilled Cheese Sandwich: 130 cals
--2 slices low-calorie bread: 80 cals
--2 slices vegan cheese: 50 cals
--no-cal butter spray: 0 cals
2 cubes of veggie bouillon: 10 cals
2 cups of spinach and lettuce salad: 40 cals
8 raw baby carrots: 30 cals

Smoothie: 275 cals
--1 scoop protein powder: 110 cals
--1 C OJ: 100 cals
--1/2 C peaches: 25 cals
--1/2 C strawberries: 30 cals
Grilled Cheese Sandwich: 130 cals
--2 slices low-cal bread: 80 cals
--2 slices vegan cheese: 50 cals
--no-cal butter spray: 0 cals
1 cube veggie bouillon: 5 cals
2 C spinach and lettuce salad: 40 cals

Smoothie: 290 cals
--1 scoop protein powder: 110 cals
--1 C OJ: 100 cals
--1/2 C peaches: 25 cals
--1/2 C blackberries: 45 cals
Grilled Cheese Sandwich: 105 cals
--2 slices low-cal bread: 80 cals
--1 slice vegan cheese: 25 cals
--no-cal butter spray: 0 cals
1 veggie bouillon cube: 5 cals

Smoothie: 275 cals
--1 scoop protein powder: 110 cals
--1 C OJ: 110 cals
--1/2 C peaches: 25 cals
--1/2 C strawberries: 30 cals
Half a Grilled Cheese Sandwich: 55 cals
--1 slice low-cal bread: 40 cals
--1/2 slice vegan cheese: 15 cals
--no-cal butter spray: 0 cals
1 C spinach and lettuce salad: 20 cals

Smoothie: 195 cals
--1/2 scoop protein powder: 55 cals
--3/4 C OJ: 85 cals
--1/2 C peaches: 25 cals
--1/3 C blackberries: 30 cals
Half a Grilled Cheese Sandwich: 55 cals
--1 slice low-cal bread: 40 cals
--1/2 slice vegan cheese: 15 cals
--no-cal butter spray: 0 cals
2 veggie bouillon cubes: 10 cals
2 C lettuce and spinach salad: 40 cals

Smoothie: 180 cals
--1/2 scoop protein powder: 55 cals
--3/4 C OJ: 85 cals
--1/2 C peaches: 25 cals
--1/3 C strawberries: 15 cals
Half a Grilled Cheese Sandwich: 55 cals
--1 slice low-cal bread: 40 cals
--1/2 slice vegan cheese: 15 cals
--no-cal butter spray: 0 cals
3 veggie bouillon cubes: 15 cals

Smoothie: 155 cals
--3/4 C OJ: 85 cals
--1/2 C peaches: 25 cals
--1/2 C blackberries: 45 cals
1 veggie bouillon cube: 5 cals
2 C lettuce and spinach salad: 40 cals

Smoothie: 80 cals
--1/2 C OJ: 55 cals
--1/2 C peaches: 25 cals
2 veggie bouillon cubes: 10 cals
2 C lettuce and spinach salad: 40 cals
6 raw baby carrots: 20 cals

1 C peaches: 50 cals
2 veggie bouillon cubes: 10 cals
2 C spinach and lettuce salad: 40 cals

2 veggie bouillon cubes: 10 cals
1 C lettuce and spinach salad: 20 cals
1/3 C peaches: 20 cals

Protein Powder: Whole Foods brand soy protein powder, natural vanilla flavor
Bread: Nature's Own light honey wheat
Vegan "Cheese": Smart Beat fat free non-dairy slices
Butter Spray: Parkay fat free 0 calorie spray
Vegetable Bouillon: Maggi vegetarian vegetable flavor bouillon

Update

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 17:43:37 GMT

I've been b/p'ing way too much the last two weeks, so now I'm fasting, hopefully till Christmas Eve. Pretty sure I'm going to have to eat then; it's a big family affair. OTOH, if it goes well, there will be so many people and so much craziness that no one will notice what I eat. I can probably play the vegan card because we're supposed to be having chili with meat.

On January 1, I'm starting ABC. I've already planned out my menus for each day and how much food I'll need to buy. It's what I did last night when I wasn't sleeping. Gotta love insomnia. It's funny, though. I used to hate math, and now I do it compulsively: how many calories I've consumed, how many burned, how much weight I've lost, what percentage of my starting body weight I've lost, BMI, amounts of food I'll need for a week...it's crazy. Amusing, I guess.

My ED therapist called and woke me up at 8:15 this morning--WTF? If I'd had to be at work I'd have been up, but I'm not working right now, yay. I wouldn't have answered if I'd known it was her, but I didn't have my contacts in, and when I squinted at the screen I thought it said my sister's name. I almost blurted out a curse word when I realized it was my therapist, not my sister. She's supposed to call back to check in with me either later today or tomorrow. FUUUUUUUUCK. I'm not gonna tell her the truth, or not the whole thing. I could tell her I've gained two pounds, and that would probably make her happy. She won't be happy if she finds out I'm totally off the meal plan and purging every single thing I eat and taking shit tons of laxatives (pun intended). I just don't care anymore. It was trying to do recovery and stick to her fucking meal plan that made the b/p'ing get out of control. I think recovery is pointless for me, and right now I'm fasting and feeling strong.

Guess that's all for now.

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 17:50:49 GMT

I feel like shit. I've been binging/purging and gaining weight. Gross.

I just want to die right now.

Guh

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 15:19:51 GMT

My mother just called to tell me there's a plumber on the way to fix the toilet in my bathroom. Three days AFTER I gave up on her actually doing so and figured out how to fix the damn thing myself.

And I needed to go to the DMV and renew my license tag that's been expired for 5 months, but now I have to sit here while the plumber decides this house is too shit to fix the water pressure, which means I'm probably gonna get more traffic tickets I can't afford to pay.

Fuck everything. I'm off the meal plan too, and right now I just don't give a fuck about anything. I don't even have money for Christmas presents. I'm not even sure how I'm going to afford to fill my gas tank, and I'm at less than a quarter tank.

I just went and cleaned the shit out of the toilet so the plumber wouldn't think we were absolutely disgusting. My sister's shit. My sister's shit that sat there for almost 3 days. I decided the trash needed to be emptied, too, since it was overflowing with her used menstrual pads.

I've been asking her to empty the trash for over a week. I thought about dumping it all out on her bed but decided to take the moral higher path. I am so fucking sick of cleaning up after her grossness. If it was just clutter and paper trash I wouldn't mind, but shit and bodily fluids is disgusting.

She's the one who stopped up the toilet. Now granted it doesn't work worth a damn, but when I stop up the toilet, I go get the plunger and fix it (and I've started holding my purging sessions in the back yard instead of in the bathroom). She acted like she didn't know how to use a fucking plunger. I showed her how. She said she was too tired. So guess who fixed the fucking toilet? ME.

I am really feeling a temper tantrum coming on. It's probably not helped by the fact that I haven't eaten since Saturday, but that's the only damn way I can feel like I have any control right now.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 00:25:32 GMT

Couldn't be honest about my ED in my main journal, so now I have one that people on my flist for my normal journal aren't going to know about. I can be pro-ana without them jumping all over me all the time about it.

Today has been good. All I've eaten is 2 rice cakes. I'm making up for the stupid Christmas party last night. That's got to be my least favorite thing--parties. Too much food. I think I did a lot better with purging almost everything because I took a bunch of laxatives, but nothing's really coming out...meaning I got most of it out of me. That's good, but it would've been better if I hadn't put anything in me to begin with.

Oh well. What's done is done. I'm going to get over this stupid plateau--been stuck at 108 all week. It's because I was dumb enough to try that recovery bullshit and actually do what I was told when the ED therapist told me I had to follow this stupid meal plan.

I *WILL* get to 105 before the 14th.